Melania Trump’s NFT ornaments make me want to cancel Christmas

Many people have saved Christmas over the years: some furry green jerk played by Jim Carrey, Arnold Schwarzenegger (and to a lesser extent Sinbad), Tim Allen (both pre- and post-cocaine), a bunch of creepy clay figures from the 60s, a religious zealot named Kirk Cameron apparently, and now, with the help of none other than Melania Trump, the NFTs will carry out this truly American rite of passage.

As reported by (you guessed it) Fox News, the former first lady has threatened us with her own line of Christmas paraphernalia, which includes physical ornaments but also NFTs. These, according to Melaniatrump.com, are meant to embody “hope” and “inspire [your] dear ones with positive intentions, ambitions and values ​​as we enter the new year.” Because nothing says family togetherness like failing to explain “non-fungible” to your girlfriend before she takes her well-deserved nap.

If you’re into this sort of thing, the NFTs will be minted on the Solana Blockchain and can be redeemed by purchasing a physical ornament. Naturally, NFTs can be purchased and displayed as tokens of your Melania fandom, or resold to the highest bidder. Most NFTs are available through a platform called USA Memorabilia that hosts other fun digital art like this “POTUS Trump Collection.”

The physical ornaments, on the other hand, can only appear on your physical tree to promote divisive, family-destroying discourse. Merry Christmas!

More like mistle-no – So, what does a Melania Trump-imagined collectible NFT look like, you (unfortunately) wonder? Well, buckle up kids, because you’re in for a web3 miracle.

Like my purely theoretical children, I love all the Trump ornies equally, but have a special fondness for “Merry Christmas”. Don’t say “Be the best,” please, they are not emotionally developed enough yet to handle the truth.

There’s something about the unimaginative flatness of it all that gives me all the warm fuzzies of an email greeting from an estranged uncle, or an email chain about a fundraiser for a church my parents got me into as a kid.

The gold star was clearly designed by Melania herself! A fun fact to share with your holiday guests immediately before they ask about the rum used in this year’s punch, its ABV, and where exact the whole bottle can be found ASAP. Ornaments (both physical and digital) will apparently be “signed” by Melania herself and should go well with your signed Nancy Reagan cardboard cutout.

Charity, in a way… sort of – It may seem strange to buy trinkets (NFT or otherwise) from someone who apparently hate Christmas, but part of the income is supposed to go to scholarships for children in foster families. Exactly what share of the income is unclear, and Input data has reached out through Melaniatrump.com for an exact number. Either way, some money will be dispersed for good will — but not until Melania has a taste.

While this isn’t the first time Melania Trump has attempted to hawk NFTs, it may well be her laziest, and at the very least, worst hour. The volume of NFT trading on OpenSea has cratered, and even blue chip collectibles like Bored Ape Yacht Club are not immune to the decline.

It’s obviously bad for Melania Trump, but great for those in your life who haven’t been their best yet. Stocking stuffers, anyone?